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I played with a little girl yesterday. Lets see if I can get this right. She's my dad's, mother's, brother's, wife's, sister's, daughter's, daughter. Hee. She is Chindian too. The girl is so darn adorable. Its crazy to see the family together because everyone's Chindian in one way or another. I'm not exagerating. The family is so complicatingly mixed. It got me so confused with whos who that I actually entertained the idea of standing at the entrance and asking each one of them how exactly are they related to us. Geez. It would be like if they could give me a good enough explanation of who they were, only then would they be able to enter. Hee.

I saw something really weird yesterday. I didn't mean to be disrespectful but I just needed to know what snapping of the fingers meant in the whole prayer. Then from that my brain wandered and I begun to once again think about the possibility of everything being fake. Another well-planned, standardised, coordinated show to make the average individual believe in things like it. I guess I needed an explanation, a thorough one. It hits harder when its someone you know. I'm in no position to say anything. Anything I say is muffled by the urgency of the whole situation. Only she knows.

Whats with reunions and questions like "...so whos your boyfriend?.." *slaps forehead*

I left the cds inside! Yike-ty yike-y yikes!

You see I'm a person who doesn't like to jingle-jangle. Hee. So I leave the keys inside the house when I leave to go out. Keys are big potential jingle-jangles I tell you. Forget the hypothetical situation of the house burning down, jingling is bad! Even if I have spare change, I distribute it into all of my pockets and if there is extra it goes into whoever is with me's hand. Hee. It is not crazy, just necessary. *grins*

The problem of the day was that I left the cds I was supposed to return today in the 'CD Haven' - dad's collection of jazz cds. *shakes head* Die! How now la?! Erm. While persuading my very fickle brain to think, I saw the neighbour's broom. Hee. Its a long shot but still have to try, the cds are scheduled to leave for UK tomorrow! So I grab the broom and tug, pull, push and plead for the keys to listen to me and crawl over. But no, they decide that they're comfortable on the couch.Grr! The frustration!

I was in the silliest position. Face pressed on the grill, knees on the floor reaching inside the house. I must have looked like a burglar. Adui! Thank my stars, the neighbours didn't call the police.

Well it did work out okay although the keys didn't co-operate. *glares at keys* The cds are getting a speedy delivery tomorrow morning. Hee.

We went out today! All five. Hee.

Angel went shopping crazy. She was so excited with all the discounts that she couldn't function. Hee. *slaps forehead* It was so darn funny! As her friend I do not welcome the sick pleasure of laughing at her go gaga but *clears throat* I had to! I just couldn't control myself. =)) I enjoy the sales and shopping too but her reaction was a classic. I wish I had a camera to record the moment and make it all black and white for added effect. Hee.

I miss times with all four of you girls! I miss y'all it hurts. Hee. I can't turn back time and I don't want to get to a time when we're just simply too busy to hang out just because we feel like it. Shucks! This stinks. Well for what its worth I guess we should have a super-duper-mega-gigantic-enormously long [[hug]] to celebrate our sisterhood having lasted so long despite the troubles and doubts. 'they' said we wouldn't last a day after school and look where we are today. Hee.

~Girlfriends like y'all are the reason why my world revolves. *hearts* =))

I wish and I wish but I never get any of it.

I'm the girl whos never gotten lucky in anything she wants badly.

I'm the one people are always glad they aren't.

I seem to always have to appreciate what I have.

I'm sad, scared, worried, terrified.

I don't want to lose me.

For once, I'd like to know how it feels to be popular, beautiful, rich, loved, cherished and intelligent - basically everything I'm not. It seems that all I'm wanting is tiny compared to others and yet it isn't even close to being fulfilled.

I'll just look and admire from afar what I'll never get 'cos thats the closest I'll ever get.

Dreams are all that I have.

I'm obssessed with the colour white. Hee. To the point that my sister braces herself everytime I see anything white. I can't help it. Its just so perfect. I mean everybody has to have something in white! Its so versatile! Hee. Eeks! There I go again.

I just finished To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Gosh! The book rocks to the max! Its worth the Pulitzer it won. Everything was so well described. Seeing everything through a child's perspective should have brought any adult back to a refreshing sense of innocence. I wish I could write like Harper Lee but she's just too high up in the ranks to even come close to!

I wondered how it felt being her during the last moments. Call me crazy but I tried to remain absolutely still and all I could think of was the whole event all over. It played over and over in my head like the 'stop' button no longer worked. I did become calm but I realised that there were so many things that I haven't done or experienced. I haven't done anything she could beam with pride for. I long to see her but I know I can't just yet. She is in on a big secret - the whole works of the after life. Hee. I feel her cheering me on.

*smiles up* Here we go!

Do I honestly look Malay? I'm not going to get into my whole heritage and parentage thing but honestly speaking do I actually look Malay? At a first glance at least. Gosh! Malay dudes keep whistling and brushing close with a so-called seducing 'Hie!' everywhere I go. It happens so often that I'm somewhat accustomed to it. Unfortunately friends and relatives that tag along when I go out are horrified when I remain normal at the guy's behaviour so here I am curious to know if I do look Malay for them to want to disturb me. Hee.

Parents and their antics are really funny. They don't let you do certain things for fear that you won't remain their little baby anymore and when they desperately need you and you're unable to deliver they get frustrated that you are so incapable. You're unable because you were never given a chance to try in the first place so why don't they understand when you can't do it? Sometimes I just let it be. Sometimes its simply hard to give in to the injustice and listen to the nagging and scoldings. Sometimes I feel like being ignorant and rolling up in bed. I just wish she was here so I could tell her how I feel and listen to her reasonings. I miss her so much at times like this.

Yesterday was fun. It felt so good meeting Szetoo and Asyraf again. Slave or no slave. Hee. To just be in their company brought back memories of the past. Good, funny, silly, crazy memories. =))

KB, Pow-Wow helper and year-ender BRATs, I miss you guys absolutely lots! Lets meet up and go nuts! Hee.

*smiles*

Pa watched 'Hot 30 Hitz' on Hitz tv with me!
My dad the jazz fanatic watched a countdown filled with hip hop, R&B and even rock with me! We even agreed that Staind rocked hard and Alicia Keys is really good at what she does. He waited and watched it right until the number one song was played! Woot! He likes JJ's jokes. Hee. My ol' man is addicted to the 'Gotcha Call'. I was bracing myself for his lecture on how nonsensical programmes would do us no good and yada yada yada but instead he watches it with me. Wee!

On another note, I have been warned on the 'it' matter. Really strong warnings! Eeks! Its not like I needed reminding about it but I guess its good to be re-reminded on things like this. I'm trying my super best to not want to be 'it' and its still a work in progress. Hee. I guess right after this next one happening soon I'll avoid confrontations. Its my only way out. For all I know, I was never even close to being 'it' in the first place.

ps : The participant and his dad and sister from the earlier post could not avoid us. Hee. The computer lab was too small for us to play hide and seek.

I am infected with the '-ness' craze. Hee. You know when you add '-ness' to every single word you possibly can? Like for instance 'ish-ness' and 'wee-ness'? Get the idea? It is getting disastrous!

Well today Chris and I were walking back from a creative seminar and I was all hyper-hyper. Coincidentally I desperately needed to use the ladies. Make that darn, darn desperate! So we were walking and I kept saying "...pee-ness!". I didnt realise at first but Chris stopped dead in her tracks. And I was happily going on repeating "...pee-ness!". *slaps forehead a thousand times* Adui! I said it at least three times-out loud, mind you before I realised that I was making a very audible reference to the male you-know-what! Eeks! To add to my already embarrassing moment, there were like a fellow participant with his dad and sister a few metres away! *bangs head on wall* They must think I'm a pervert! Ish-ness!

You've got to admit that it was hillarious. We laughed our butts off after they walked away. Chris instead started to repeat 'that' word which was exactly when the participant and his clan walked our way again! Hee. They must think we're absolutely mad or desperate. I'm positive they're going to avoid us at all cost tomorrow! Hee. *jumps* That would be a classic!

Hee. I'm no pervert ya! It just happened to sound like it sounded.

*giggles*

The drama begins yet again. I hate it when you offer to help people and they take advantage of it. Its like ' berikan paha hendak kaki ' or is it the other way around? My bm is so rusted! Hee. I guess its human nature. No point holding it against them but heck it feels awful.

So I have to put my life on hold for you?
How fair is that?

But then again you are you and I have to do this. It feels awful seeing people who have the better end of the bargain while here I am doing what I'm doing. I know that everyone's initial reaction would be to shake sense into my oh-so thick numbskull about how there are others who are more deprived than I am. I mean if given a choice wouldn't any normal human being look at the more ' gifted '. Hee.

Thing is I know what I want to do and what I'm supposed to do. The hard part is following through. If only the brain would forget the ' dream ' and follow the to-do list. Ergh.

My apetite is not back yet. It seems like everyone thinks that all I have to do is page my apetite and it will return immediately. The absence of an apetite is doing a tiny difference to a certain physical apperance but sadly what is needed are drastic changes.

How can I eat when everytime I look at something or someone I'm reminded of you?
How will I digest food knowing that I will never hear you call my name again?
How am I going to ever eat when everytime I swallow food I see you imitating me checking my tummy?
How am I supposed to go on with life when I see you in everything I do?

You were my living angel. Holding me and protecting me with your wings warm and cosy around me. You were much more than a birth certificate, an identity card or a death certificate. You brought so much joy. You may not have been as famous as an actress but you were my rock star, rocking my world with little bits of nothings and everythings. You taught me about love. You taught me about life.

I miss you my dearest. I miss the way your face lights up when you watch your favorite soaps. I miss the way you dubbed all the actors and actresses so you could remember who they were supposed to be. I miss your hearty laughs. I miss playing with the skin on your hands 'cos they're so pull-y and push-y. Hee.

You touched so many souls. You were the bestest grannie anyone can ever have.

You may not be with me physically but you will live on forevermore in my heart and memory.
~Count on being waken up at silly hours, tens and thousands years from now...'cos judging from *us* I think insomnia is hereditary. Hee.

' I will take you with me every step of the way '

I think I'm 'it'. Though I don't know for sure. I dont know how I'll ever react if I'm really 'it'. I feel so stuck like someone drove me into a corner and forgot that I was standing behind them. A really big-sized, heavy someone.

I'm mighty confused.

Sometimes I'm sure I'm not 'it'. I mean com'on its me we're talking about. Other times I want to be 'it'. And at other-other times I know that even if I'm 'it' things will never work out. How can I want something so bad one moment and completely not want it another. Icks!

I'm mighty mighty confused...and fickle too!

Shucks!