off much deprived limelight

I actually spent the entire morning and most part of the afternoon crying! I didn't realize I was still capable of this after Mummy's you-know-what. What's the genius equation that caused this, you ask?

~ incessant sister's sudden I-just-don't-want-to-let-you-use-the-computer-'cause-I-feel-like-being-a-pain-today + extra closely looming deadlines + non ceasing assignment load + stress from super close finals + massive headache + *you* + "her" = stupidity shown in the form of uncontrollable amounts of H2O sneaking its way out of tightly sealed glands.

Oh boy! And its not even close to being over yet.

minx wrote at2:50 PM
0 replies

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 11:20 AM

. pretty rain .

Its raining outside.
We should all sit and watch as the little drops make their way down from their faraway origins.
They are so pretty, nothing could ever beat their beauty.

Pretty rain.
If only I could go outside and listen to the stories you carry from lands my eyes have never seen.
Of the people that may mean the universe to some and be merely names to me.
Pretty rain.
I thank God for you.
For the stories you whisper and for those that you scream.
You break some spirits with your chilly winds.
But you build mine with every gust you blow over me.

*hearts*

minx wrote at11:20 AM
0 replies

wish you were here.

I'm in a whole lot of hair-pulling and head-in-hands confusion. All I want right now is to listen to someone talk. Just to sit and listen. The highs and lows of their current state. Or anything at all for that matter. I merely want to listen and smile and/or frown with them. To scrunch my nose as they would theirs.

To live a life outside of mine.

On another note, I don't know what is freaking wrong with me. It used to be so clear-cut in the beginning but as the end is in sight I really don't know anymore. I know the pressure is starting to intensify. I know 'cause I can feel it. No, this I did not make up or hallucinate, it's there!

[ How I wish, how I wish you were here ]
I am one of two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year - modified from Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here.

minx wrote at10:36 AM
0 replies

Saturday, August 19, 2006 3:30 AM

"ally who?"

*sings in faltering voice* "When I was just a little girl, I asked my Mummy what will I be. Will I be pretty? Will I be Ally?.."

Yeah, I'm guilty of the Ally-syndrome. It's a surprise my parents never really stopped me from religiously-glueing-self-to-screen watching Ally McBeal. Oh, how I love her. I used to fiercely defend her from all you who openly criticize her for being anorexic, dancing with a dolly-mannequin like thingy and for the simple fact of being too crazy to function. And no one is too crazy to function!
:: Crazy is you or me amplified. - Girl, Interrupted ::

Yes, yes I do realize that I have more quotes from rocking bands and awesome movies more than proper ones. Hee.

Today, I mean yesterday Ally came up in class. Ooowee! After that, I was glued to everything Mr. Kenneth had to say. Hee. I mean with a rocking example like that, you'd be mad not to listen. It's not everyday that your throat-ulcer-ed lecturer forces himself to try ya know! Poor Kenneth, funny thing is he still could lecture without the mic.

You see we were discussing about problems and how some people attribute their problems to external causes and some to internal as well as their characteristics (I won't torture you with psych. stuff). When you tell someone your problems they may disregard it as something so tiny it isn't anything and of course that hurts but when that same person has a problem, it seems tinier than minuscule to you. Why, you ask?

Ally did a superduperhyperrygoody job at answering it,
"My problems are big because they are MINE!"

It made me think of all the gazillion things that were eating away at my mind. *vision of brain looking like cheese* It's so true. I've given up on talking about things 'cause it doesn't make me feel any better instead its the opposite. I feel even more rotten.

'Cause I'll feel like a bloody brat next to the kiddies with diseases and whatnot. 'Cause of the looks that I'll get. 'Cause my tear glands will take orders from an external brain. And just 'cause I'm afraid I won't get up and out of it.

So, I came up with my very own therapeuticly theapilicious therapy. I suppress by thanking Him for every single relatively good thing that I have even for things like my colourfully chunted black wooded pencil. *drools* Being absolutely hysterical-hyper helps too! This might not work for everyone but I think retail therapy is universal. Teehee.

| I'm Ally in so many ways. Is it innate or just the director's silent propaganda? |

minx wrote at3:30 AM
0 replies

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:27 PM

my sick angel

One of my sweet angels is sick. Arasu is down with a fever and according to Eng Chin his condition is quite serious. He's admitted in the hospital and I can't see him. Sometimes I just wish our country was smaller than what it is. I'm worried sick about him. He's the cute Chindian guy from Bethany Home, he's the sweet sweet fella with the heart-melting smile.

I realise that I've become attached to these individuals with beautiful abilities.

I miss them so.

I hope this Monday's trip will work out.

I'm thinking of sneaking up there after my 2pm class.

A day or two of writing and snapping pictures of these beauties would do my guilty self wonders.

Shake me out of reality and bring me back to this reverie.

I'm praying that nothing happens to my angel so please would you pray with me? Please ask the One that you believe in to keep this sweet soul safe. And if you don't believe in a One please think good thoughts! My heartfelt gratitude goes out to each of you.

I'm scared. I'll never forgive myself if something happens. 'Cause only by constantly trying to redeem myself will I be able to stare myself in the mirror.

minx wrote at10:27 PM
3 replies

my pained teddy

I can't push the pain away. It's not giving me physical anguish but mental ones. I can't ignore it anymore when you complain of pain. I wish I could put it all on me. To see you all dejected and in so much pain kills what lil' joy I've trained myself to have. It really must be unbearable but I don't know what else to do but pray.

That, that has only proven an act in futility. I'm not blaming Him, I'm just saying that if even that doesn't work than what else do I do to help you? I can't block your pain away and I can't make it all go away so what do I freaking do?! I treasure every lil' smile you share and if only there is some way to make time move more slowly.

I dreamt about 'it' last night and I lay awake crying. I couldn't bring myself to go back to sleep although I knew I had to. I hate dreams like that. I've been having lots with Mummy and it took some time to get used to the fact that it's okay since it already happened but with you... It's just not right! You don't deserve it, maybe I do more than anything but not you!

The end is sweet pleasure compared to gradual deterioration.

minx wrote at9:48 AM
2 replies

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:24 AM

'very bestest' indeed.

Ms. Winnee asked "Are you sitting next to your very bestest friend, by the way that word doesn't exist okay!"

Everyone laughed. I shifted nervously in my seat, moving my paper clips stalling for time. I didn't know if she was uncomfortable or if she was looking at me but I know I felt uber weird. I wanted Ms. Winnee to just get to her point already. And anyway why did she have to use a friendship example in a research class?

Seeing that no one acknowledged that they were sitting next to their 'very bestest' friend she went on to explain the research where the goal was to speeden the process of disclosure between members of the opposite sex.

One thing Ms. Winnee said is still ringing in my ears. (Gosh! I have a lecturer's voice ringing in my ears!! *shudders*)

- "This person that is sitting next to you could be your friend but that person may not know you like your very bestest friend knows you, right?" -
So what should my answer be? Right?! Or wrong?

By not raising my hand did I just agree that we aren't 'very bestest' friends? Did she agree to it too? Or did we just succumb to our Eastern collectivist culture and simply conformed to not standing out? I'd really like to not think about it but its nagging at me.

I dont know if she reads my blog anymore but I just need a place to untangle the knots in my brain and heart and plus the picture is perfect and so 'oh-goshly-gosh' cute! *beams*

Things are not like they used to be. It is definitely not 'very bestest' friends material. When I'm hyperred up, I try to relive times like they used to be. Trying to make her giggle at my stupidest-why-did-you-have-to-come-up-with-that antics. And for that brief moment we're back there again with LP blasting and us all giggly-giggly hyper but it crashes. It always does. Curse laughing homeostasis!

Maybe we just grew up? I know that tiny thingy is well, damaging things but its not entirely on me! Nothing is entirely on one side- that's a darn fact. I don't know how to undo this. Everything is superficial.

I want it to be like it used to be. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to see so much. But then again,
'You don't always get what you want, but you get what you need.' - The Rolling Stones.

There are those who say well there aren't any conflicts so be happy or that you're not fighting so enjoy it but I simply can't because I know there is better. I've tasted the coolness and chuntedness and woweeness so how can I just go back to it being simply moderate?

I feel a lil' piece of ecstasy-ness when we're back there. All the bloody freaking time.

Is this meant to be given up on? Are we just gon' settle on moderateness?
I'm sick of talking this through. Sick of digging up on all the hurts and point fingers for every one of 'em!
How did we lose it? How did we let it slip?
I hate the countless 'talks' I just want to see it back again minus the superficialness. Will I ever?

* I rarely ever do get what I want only always what I need. *

minx wrote at8:24 AM
2 replies

Saturday, August 05, 2006 12:32 PM

bye now!

Maybe it is after all time to say goodbye?

I've been dragging this decision for such a long time all because I dreaded it.

But I guess it looks like this was something I should have done ages ago.

Its time to do away with all the speculations (I know you folks mean well =) ) and all the flutters and whatnot.

Its doomed to be and so be it.

*waves*

ps: I'm not talking about a break up! I'd first have to be with someone to be able to break up!

*

minx wrote at12:32 PM
5 replies

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 11:54 PM

a stab in the heart, a wound that never seems to heal...

"I want to cry as if there were no tomorrow."
- I so know how the sad clown must feel.

No, this is not another PMS plight. Its not that time of the month. At least not yet.

A million degrading, heart-stoppingly painful, sad things have been happening one after the other.

Yeah, so I haven't told anyone and I always look and seem quite okay but I'm hurting inside.

What hurts more is that I can't tell anyone. Not only does it hurt to dictate my very own series of unfortunate events but I know how they'll react from previous experiences.

Sometimes its just not a good idea to tell someone to gear up. Sometimes its not absolutely brilliant to tell someone to be patient and that things will soon go away. And when has it ever been wonderful to give them a supposed sympathetic look and tell them that their problems are not even problems?! Best of all is a genious who would pile their problems on just, JUST to prove that they have bigger issues.

One by one I've crossed them out of my list.

And as one by one they are crossed, my heart just pains even more.

All I need is someone who would cry with me, someone who wouldn't mind a really long hug.

*sigh*

minx wrote at11:54 PM
6 replies

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