the girl
/>
She's the girl who sits and watches while others live a charmed life. The girl loves to write but doesn't know if she's any good at it. She loves rainbow sprinkled ice cream on a rainy day. She loves to take walks with the wind blowing. Giggling should be made a career. She tells you her secrets in not so many words.
in the past
blog pokes
well-known pokes
Thursday, July 26, 2007 8:39 PM
alone with me.
My hair is up in a bun, I sit cross-legged on this chair facing MyDoxy. And I can't help but notice how warm this tee is making me feel. Both from physical warmth and of last year's year-end memories. It's quite funny actually how my toes and fingers are freezing cold and yet I feel this comfort that I never once felt in the past eight hours.
This drifting in and out. This lack of smiles and happy faces. This continuous repeating of repeated dialogues. It serves to remind how life have been lived from weekend to weekend. An unwanted but much needed reminder. So much for placing this under 'potentials' for after the degree is up. No one should ever have to live from weekend to weekend. It's such utter nonsense. And what of dividing the day into 'pre-lunch' and 'post-lunch' - no such thing should be tolerated. Even if it's the most convenient of options and not to mention very lucrative.
It's been almost three weeks. It feels like time is at a crawling pace.
I've been beside myself. It's been so bad, everyone at home has started counting down on my behalf to when it will all be done with. But still I sense how some simply wish I didn't have such huge ideas. I honestly tried my best to walk this road with an open mind but the time has been a long stretch of mundane things. Lying to the self is not an option while options are still within reach. This means that limbo is but a step away. Not this, not that and no where else.
This drifting in and out. This lack of smiles and happy faces. This continuous repeating of repeated dialogues. It serves to remind how life have been lived from weekend to weekend. An unwanted but much needed reminder. So much for placing this under 'potentials' for after the degree is up. No one should ever have to live from weekend to weekend. It's such utter nonsense. And what of dividing the day into 'pre-lunch' and 'post-lunch' - no such thing should be tolerated. Even if it's the most convenient of options and not to mention very lucrative.It's been almost three weeks. It feels like time is at a crawling pace.
I've been beside myself. It's been so bad, everyone at home has started counting down on my behalf to when it will all be done with. But still I sense how some simply wish I didn't have such huge ideas. I honestly tried my best to walk this road with an open mind but the time has been a long stretch of mundane things. Lying to the self is not an option while options are still within reach. This means that limbo is but a step away. Not this, not that and no where else.
. . . . .
And here's to showing some love to the poet extraodinaire a.k.a Lee Zhi Wei for sharing his steal with me. If not for this supply, I'd have begun to rot into oblivion.
. . . . .
The Fray - Heaven Forbid
trigger-happy
And here's to showing some love to the poet extraodinaire a.k.a Lee Zhi Wei for sharing his steal with me. If not for this supply, I'd have begun to rot into oblivion.
. . . . .
The Fray - Heaven Forbid
Twenty years, it's breaking you down,
now that you understand there's no one around,
Take a breath, just take a seat,
you're falling apart and tearing at the seems.
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why,
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.
It's on your face, is it on your mind,
would you care to build a house of your own,
How much longer, how long can you wait,
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why,
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright,
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why,
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you),
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you),
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you),
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you).
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why,
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright,
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why,
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.
Out of this one,
I don't know how to get you out of this one,
I don't know how to get you out of this one,
I don't know how to get you out of this one,
I don't know how to get you out of this one.
It seems like everyones at it or getting to it at the moment. And so in the midst of happiness for every one of them... =)
minx wrote at8:39 PM
2 replies
2 replies
Sunday, July 22, 2007 10:24 PM
thank you.
I don't need pictures to prove how great the company was.
We didn't need posh places to create an atmosphere.
All we needed was six pieces of McNuggets, Shake-shake fries, regular fries, a chocolate Sundae and a large Coke.
I was read better than a book. In between lines and everything.
They did something I would never dare do. Not in a million years. It might work, might not but whenever I see it, I'll remember them.
Such mad people but I love them. *piecespieces*
They think they've started something special. I doubt it.
About time you get yourself a boyfriend!
Hows Sock, wait its Bendi Stick now isn't it?
Don't listen to them, you have so much that's hard to find in girls these days.
Stand up for yourself, you fool!
Can you have some fun or not. Everything will go okay. Okay, sayang?
Only they call me 'sayang' with so much love. Only they hug me 'till I'm in the air. Only they pat my head and ruffle my hair and say rude things to me. And it's fine 'cause the sincerity shines through.
Sometimes, I text them just to get a "Why sayang?" 'cause I know I'll be fine right after.
Thank you sayangs.
We didn't need posh places to create an atmosphere.
All we needed was six pieces of McNuggets, Shake-shake fries, regular fries, a chocolate Sundae and a large Coke.
I was read better than a book. In between lines and everything.
They did something I would never dare do. Not in a million years. It might work, might not but whenever I see it, I'll remember them.
Such mad people but I love them. *piecespieces*
They think they've started something special. I doubt it.
About time you get yourself a boyfriend!
Hows Sock, wait its Bendi Stick now isn't it?
Don't listen to them, you have so much that's hard to find in girls these days.
Stand up for yourself, you fool!
Can you have some fun or not. Everything will go okay. Okay, sayang?
Only they call me 'sayang' with so much love. Only they hug me 'till I'm in the air. Only they pat my head and ruffle my hair and say rude things to me. And it's fine 'cause the sincerity shines through.
Sometimes, I text them just to get a "Why sayang?" 'cause I know I'll be fine right after.
Thank you sayangs.
minx wrote at10:24 PM
0 replies
0 replies
Saturday, July 21, 2007 9:59 PM
sorry rowling, it's martel & mraz.
Okay, so he won 'The Man Booker Prize' award in 2002, which was five long years ago. I've been raving to the sister about him so much that she resorted to giving me half-hour reminders to bring him home or don't come home. She's so cute, no? The display held a larger, cooler version but it was 'spensive! So the broke intern brought home the slightly smaller copy that lay hidden in an obscure corner.
+copy.jpg)
Yes lah while the world goes gaga, bonkers-be-donkers about the seventh Potter book, I'm walking side by side with Pi. I haven't the resources to get Rowling's work, at least not yet (what's this I hear about a price slash? =D). Martel wrote a book that I never want to finish. It's sad that reading can't be paced slower. Never mind, I've vowed to read him again as soon as I'm done.
In fact, its important I do so because books cost quite a bit.
Besides Martel, Mraz's been quite a company. It's impossible to keep a straight face when he's on. His facial expressions, cheeky singing and madman lyrics just make grinning like an idiot the most natural thing to do. He makes me forget why smiling is difficult. All the whys, hows and wheres don't dare remain in his presence.
And Doka (I think), his accompanying 'drummer' beats and holds on to the hat like a pro. =))
+copy.jpg)
Yes lah while the world goes gaga, bonkers-be-donkers about the seventh Potter book, I'm walking side by side with Pi. I haven't the resources to get Rowling's work, at least not yet (what's this I hear about a price slash? =D). Martel wrote a book that I never want to finish. It's sad that reading can't be paced slower. Never mind, I've vowed to read him again as soon as I'm done.In fact, its important I do so because books cost quite a bit.
Besides Martel, Mraz's been quite a company. It's impossible to keep a straight face when he's on. His facial expressions, cheeky singing and madman lyrics just make grinning like an idiot the most natural thing to do. He makes me forget why smiling is difficult. All the whys, hows and wheres don't dare remain in his presence.
And Doka (I think), his accompanying 'drummer' beats and holds on to the hat like a pro. =))
Jason Mraz - I'm yours.
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it,
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted,
I fell right through the cracks,
and now I'm trying to get back,
Before the cool done run out,
I'll be giving it my bestest,
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention,
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some.
But I won't hesitate no more, no more,
It cannot wait, I'm yours.
Well open up your mind and see like me,
Open up your plans and damn you're free,
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love,
Listen to the music of the moment,
people dance and sing,
we're just one big family,
and it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved.
So I won't hesitate no more, no more,
It cannot wait I'm sure,
There's no need to complicate,
Our time is short,
This is our fate, I'm yours.
Well I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror,
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer,
But my breath fogged up the glass,
And so I drew a new face and laughed,
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason,
To rid yourself and just go with the seasons,
It's what we aim to do,
Our name is our virtue.
But I won't hesitate no more, no more,
It cannot wait I'm sure,
There's no need to complicate,
Our time is short,
This is our fate, I'm yours.
Well open up your mind and see like me,
Open up your plans and damn you're free,
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours,
So please don't, please don't, please don't,
There's no need to complicate,
Cause Our time is short,
This is our fate,
I'm yours.
minx wrote at9:59 PM
0 replies
0 replies
Friday, July 20, 2007 11:58 PM
count to a thousand. and then again.
Every time I get on the mirror paneled elevator, I count.
The number of times my ears pop. The number of 'bings' to tell the next person that it's time to wake up and face another eight hours of constriction. The lighted numbers. The number of feet. The yawns. The smiles.
I'm not a very big fan of numbers but I've taken to counting. It's the next best thing after dancing along to tunes. You see, public display of joy and self-entertainment is shunned so everything self-gratifying is done minimally. And counting doesn't show, at least not obviously.
So guess who whoops for joy and does a lil' jiggy when the elevator is empty? I could probably be the most entertaining individual on the surveillance cameras, if there are any. Oh well, the 'Mexicans' need some bit of entertainment too, right?
It has been prison-like with a long list of rules. Every step, every turn, every move is observed. The need to prove directives is beyond me. The ridiculous reasons behind absurd 'favors' wills me to say something. But of course I don't.
There's to be no more of this.
.jpg)
It apparently doesn't look professional. Fine. Then she says because I walk in and out of the offices of the 'Big Bosses' and somehow or rather his name came up. She tried dramatics but it so didn't deliver. All she had to do was go with the first line and I'd understand. Sometimes I wonder if she realises that interns have a mind too. A trained one at that. *throws hands in air* She's making me act like a five-year old. She's only satisfied when I act like one anyway.
So much for 'a learning experience like no other. we require speed, precision and achieving is of utmost importance.' It just sounds like an educational experience but in actuality, they're making sure that nothing is learnt unless you consider cutting, pasting, blindly copying as learning.
The number of times my ears pop. The number of 'bings' to tell the next person that it's time to wake up and face another eight hours of constriction. The lighted numbers. The number of feet. The yawns. The smiles.
I'm not a very big fan of numbers but I've taken to counting. It's the next best thing after dancing along to tunes. You see, public display of joy and self-entertainment is shunned so everything self-gratifying is done minimally. And counting doesn't show, at least not obviously.
So guess who whoops for joy and does a lil' jiggy when the elevator is empty? I could probably be the most entertaining individual on the surveillance cameras, if there are any. Oh well, the 'Mexicans' need some bit of entertainment too, right?
It has been prison-like with a long list of rules. Every step, every turn, every move is observed. The need to prove directives is beyond me. The ridiculous reasons behind absurd 'favors' wills me to say something. But of course I don't.
There's to be no more of this.
.jpg)
It apparently doesn't look professional. Fine. Then she says because I walk in and out of the offices of the 'Big Bosses' and somehow or rather his name came up. She tried dramatics but it so didn't deliver. All she had to do was go with the first line and I'd understand. Sometimes I wonder if she realises that interns have a mind too. A trained one at that. *throws hands in air* She's making me act like a five-year old. She's only satisfied when I act like one anyway.So much for 'a learning experience like no other. we require speed, precision and achieving is of utmost importance.' It just sounds like an educational experience but in actuality, they're making sure that nothing is learnt unless you consider cutting, pasting, blindly copying as learning.
. . . . .
She's in limbo.
Every turn proves to be a dead end. Either soon to be or already is. She trusted but trust is overrated.
They've said it one too many times assuring that it is an honest thought. Thoughts remain in the head and that's all they are.
Where now? How now? What now?
. . . . .
If you get what you deserve, I must have done something really really rotten some time in the past.
There's no buffering it.
There's no two ways to it.
It's not an act.
If it sounds trivial to you, I guess your shoulder was never mine to cry on.
Maybe a good sob fest will help.
Maybe a ridiculous amount of chocolate will help.
Aah, and maybe cows can fly.
. . . . .
I'm sorry. You weren't here. Actually no one is.
+copy.jpg)
But as everyone assumes, I'll be fine. Why? Because I'm good at that.
Every turn proves to be a dead end. Either soon to be or already is. She trusted but trust is overrated.
They've said it one too many times assuring that it is an honest thought. Thoughts remain in the head and that's all they are.
Where now? How now? What now?
. . . . .
If you get what you deserve, I must have done something really really rotten some time in the past.
There's no buffering it.
There's no two ways to it.
It's not an act.
If it sounds trivial to you, I guess your shoulder was never mine to cry on.
Maybe a good sob fest will help.
Maybe a ridiculous amount of chocolate will help.
Aah, and maybe cows can fly.
. . . . .
I'm sorry. You weren't here. Actually no one is.
+copy.jpg)
But as everyone assumes, I'll be fine. Why? Because I'm good at that. minx wrote at11:58 PM
Monday, July 16, 2007 7:59 PM
mangled hearts and pretty brown eyes.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
. . . . .
Maybe it's the play list on the iPod. Or maybe its the excess idle moments while on the job. It could also be the bookworm/music lover lunch breaks. Funny how it could be so many things and yet its revolving around a select two.
There's the way you look right through me. Calling even when I'm walking right at you. Smiling when you really don't feel like it. Declining because you can't but yearning desperately. Crossing your fingers for it to get worse in the hopes of getting better.
Better safe than sorry, that's what I hear over and over again. I thought it was clear as day; it's nothing. It's not real. It's what I've painted in my mind's eye. And only mine at that. So why when I've mutilated it beyond saving, the careful speech comes up. I had confirmation. I have confirmation. Even if it's reciprocated, I can't have it. I won't. I don't do very well in shadows. Confusion folds me in its tight embrace. Ironically, I feel comforted within its folds. Thoughts fade away faster than I can hold on to it because of one's expert advice. Things are great the way it is, I'm just bracing myself for the eventual when leaving is the only thing left for it. Must everyone leave?
~ that one in the past made all in the future impossible.
.jpg)
I don't need clarification, I need assurance. minx wrote at7:59 PM
Tuesday, July 10, 2007 10:43 PM
there's free flow of milo in the pantry, dear.
Yes, the shirt was crisp. Much too crisp for my liking but that's what excessive store starch does to your shirts. It still smelled of that brown-papered bag store where I bought it. The smell puts me back at the evening before causing me to shudder in disgust. A single individual marathon, many a sales person(s) opinion (all of which unreliable!), passed up meals, aching knees, one whining text message and one desperate phone conversation. Sigh. An obscene amount of money was spent, every cent of which was way too difficult to come by.
Although, it felt good to be able to have problems deciding on what to wear to impress. It has been much too long since I bothered to do so. Who really cares what you look like in college. And it's not as if there are any cuties to attract. =p
Today was the first day in the corporate world. Where the people dress to kill. All the time, every time you see them. Image is of utmost importance so it wouldn't be a surprise that I stuck out like a sore thumb. But never mind that, I'm the intern so I'm allowed.
.jpg)
The 'Mexicans' are way too good at their jobs so the no photos policy was very strictly obeyed. Argh. I want to show you the mad mad view from the 45th floor. I want to show you how my workstation looks like the janitor used to occupy the space. I want to show you how six months worth of newspapers look like. And how I organised all six months worth of clippings according to dates. Aiyah. So kill joy to tell you, it would be awesome if I could just show.
But nevermind.
I got to snap in the Ladies.
.jpg)
Yes lah, picture not nice. No choice okay, have to snap before the next person feels like pee-ing!
These people love their mirrors okay. There are mirrors on every side. And light bulbs behind each one. It gets so hot in there that the running water feels like its been through the heater.
Here's a funny one.
.jpg)
They actually teach us how to wash our hands complete with amount of time and motions to apply while under running water. It's just weird that these corporate hotshots don't know how to wash hands. They actually even provide a hand sanitizer at the elevator lobby with instructions to 'sterilize hands before entering offices'. I always watched to see if anyone actually followed through but so far zilch.
There are tons more to tell, like how the food court is made up of stalls lined closely around the building's circumference. That I got to sit through a briefing with a cool London School of Economics student. And how I get to use an ancient Toshiba because I'm not entitled to the workstation I'm currently settled down in. And how my 'tenant' card merajuk-ed so bad it locked me out of the offices. There's the blistering feet, mighty burper colleague, super achiever next door neighbor.
So much, so much!
But I have to wake up early for tomorrow's first view of a corporate event from the organising side.
ps: I'm so gon' get a picture with them 'Mexicans' before my stint is over. idontcare!
And I still miss/want my old slave-driver.
Although, it felt good to be able to have problems deciding on what to wear to impress. It has been much too long since I bothered to do so. Who really cares what you look like in college. And it's not as if there are any cuties to attract. =p
Today was the first day in the corporate world. Where the people dress to kill. All the time, every time you see them. Image is of utmost importance so it wouldn't be a surprise that I stuck out like a sore thumb. But never mind that, I'm the intern so I'm allowed.
.jpg)
The 'Mexicans' are way too good at their jobs so the no photos policy was very strictly obeyed. Argh. I want to show you the mad mad view from the 45th floor. I want to show you how my workstation looks like the janitor used to occupy the space. I want to show you how six months worth of newspapers look like. And how I organised all six months worth of clippings according to dates. Aiyah. So kill joy to tell you, it would be awesome if I could just show.But nevermind.
I got to snap in the Ladies.
.jpg)
Yes lah, picture not nice. No choice okay, have to snap before the next person feels like pee-ing!These people love their mirrors okay. There are mirrors on every side. And light bulbs behind each one. It gets so hot in there that the running water feels like its been through the heater.
Here's a funny one.
.jpg)
They actually teach us how to wash our hands complete with amount of time and motions to apply while under running water. It's just weird that these corporate hotshots don't know how to wash hands. They actually even provide a hand sanitizer at the elevator lobby with instructions to 'sterilize hands before entering offices'. I always watched to see if anyone actually followed through but so far zilch.There are tons more to tell, like how the food court is made up of stalls lined closely around the building's circumference. That I got to sit through a briefing with a cool London School of Economics student. And how I get to use an ancient Toshiba because I'm not entitled to the workstation I'm currently settled down in. And how my 'tenant' card merajuk-ed so bad it locked me out of the offices. There's the blistering feet, mighty burper colleague, super achiever next door neighbor.
So much, so much!
But I have to wake up early for tomorrow's first view of a corporate event from the organising side.
ps: I'm so gon' get a picture with them 'Mexicans' before my stint is over. idontcare!
And I still miss/want my old slave-driver.
minx wrote at10:43 PM
0 replies
0 replies
Thursday, July 05, 2007 6:33 PM
them 'Mexicans'.
That Mexican Hat that is part of their uniform makes me smile all the time. I don't know what it is about the hat that turns my lips up and increases my endorphin levels. Maybe it's the way they wear it with that crazy looking mustache or the way they could pass for Mexicans in the entire ensemble except for the forced accent. I've always wanted to ask if they were given a mustache maintenance allowance but the Daddums always distracted me off it. I find this a very important question okay, I mean it's trimmed and proper every day - like something out of a wig store and so must require much shampoo and conditioner and styling right?
Okay, so people don't shampoo and condition and style their mustaches but maybe these do!
The encounter with the 'my-company-is-trying-to-turn-me-Mexican' guards desensitized the fear a tad bit. But you know what got me even more relaxed? Riding the elevator with two Japanese men. Haha. After finally watching the Heroes finale last night, it just calmed me somewhat to think that these two could be faraway related to Hiro Nakamura and thus could have superhuman powers too. Actually maybe it was the way they spoke in Japanese about something grave-sounding very normally.
It was a mere 15-minute affair, prolonged only because there was no free space. The questions were predictable as they always are and I got to flaunt the little research I did on the company.
They have called twice changing the designation both times, to "better suit your interests" they say. The meet-up with the future slave driver for two months is scheduled late tomorrow.
.jpg)
Aaaaah, I want the old bossman/uncle/leng chai/slave-driver back. Why isn't The Star on the organizations' list?
Okay, so people don't shampoo and condition and style their mustaches but maybe these do!
The encounter with the 'my-company-is-trying-to-turn-me-Mexican' guards desensitized the fear a tad bit. But you know what got me even more relaxed? Riding the elevator with two Japanese men. Haha. After finally watching the Heroes finale last night, it just calmed me somewhat to think that these two could be faraway related to Hiro Nakamura and thus could have superhuman powers too. Actually maybe it was the way they spoke in Japanese about something grave-sounding very normally.
It was a mere 15-minute affair, prolonged only because there was no free space. The questions were predictable as they always are and I got to flaunt the little research I did on the company.
They have called twice changing the designation both times, to "better suit your interests" they say. The meet-up with the future slave driver for two months is scheduled late tomorrow.
.jpg)
Aaaaah, I want the old bossman/uncle/leng chai/slave-driver back. Why isn't The Star on the organizations' list? minx wrote at6:33 PM
0 replies
0 replies
Monday, July 02, 2007 6:12 PM
damn butterflies.
Guns and roses is on a loop on the iTunes. As always it's on the one song of which content I fail to embody. Here's the chorus again, for the 22nd time (yes, I kept count).
It's the sheer disbelief that's driving this post today. The Fear within says to stop this instant, turn around and go back to Carl Rogers and his Humanistic Approach to human personality but theres that other thing that bothers so badly causing The Fear to give up the captain's band.
It's not real. It's the excitation transfer theory. It's the stress but the brain doesn't know any better.
The stupid butterflies lah, causing havoc and cornering the brain into mindless thinking. I've got the theory down but it's the convincing and persuading that I'm struggling with. What'd I say about being in a rut. Sigh.
I'm melting into a huge puddle of confusion and worries. Why do I keep complicating simple things?
Just leave it alone won't you. It's superb this way!
But...
It's nothing. So stoppit, stoppit!
I'm holding my breath. When I shouldn't.
It's the sheer disbelief that's driving this post today. The Fear within says to stop this instant, turn around and go back to Carl Rogers and his Humanistic Approach to human personality but theres that other thing that bothers so badly causing The Fear to give up the captain's band.
It's not real. It's the excitation transfer theory. It's the stress but the brain doesn't know any better.
The stupid butterflies lah, causing havoc and cornering the brain into mindless thinking. I've got the theory down but it's the convincing and persuading that I'm struggling with. What'd I say about being in a rut. Sigh.
I'm melting into a huge puddle of confusion and worries. Why do I keep complicating simple things?
Just leave it alone won't you. It's superb this way!
But...
It's nothing. So stoppit, stoppit!
I'm holding my breath. When I shouldn't.
minx wrote at6:12 PM